It's been too long...

Currently MMHMM By Relient K see related

The trouble is...

     Life, a tangled web of confusion. A state that my mind can't get rid of... for now. I'm just gonna keep on typing until I can make sense of it all.

     I have all night, staying at my sister's place for some way to have some peace, and some good internet speeds. Playing some music, ranging from Dashboard Confessional to DC Talk. In thought about how. Love, God, people, Australia, Hampton Beach, Morgantown, Parkersburg, old and new friends, and most of all, the only thing that tangles all of these things together, Me. Who am I and how did I get to where I am? Where do I want to go? I think it's a lot simpler than maybe I want to believe.

     I am 1 year, 6 months, and 22 days removed from being in a relationship, not including my fantasy world. I have been turned down once and I stopped one once. I am searching though, too hard. I look for relationships with people befre I look to improve my relationship with God.

     There is the root of my problem, unbelief that God will provide me someone when the time is right. I see my sister and other friends, being active with relationships. I'm starting to look at my sister and see how she's going through guys like candy. Not on purpose, but just because she is moving things along. She isn't happy, yet I want to be in her position right now.

     I know I am loved by God, and I know I am still being refined. This is why I am the way I am. I am not through with God, but I am very impatient at this point. I see myself being impulsive to an extent that it is not good. I want things to move along so I don't have to wait, but I do just have to wait.

     Have I been praying enough? Been reading enough? Been trusting enough? Been fellowshipping enough? What about GOD!!!

     So that's the final words. The trouble is in that I have left out God.

     Ok, now that that's out, I want to update everything. I am done with the spring semester. I am raising support for a missions trip (acutally another summer project) to Melbourne, Queensland, Australia. I have raised $2300 with $3400 left to go. I thought this would be impossible, but God is taking care of me. I have planned to go back to hampton beach right before that trip. So yeah, those are my plans. I leave you with this.

Lyrics of the Day:

DC Talk, Into Jesus, Supernatural.

Realization

It hasn't been a month since my last post like my past few, but here I am already typing something new, or should I say just stating the facts about my situation. This weekend I went from Retreat attendee, to retreat guest, to retreat counsoler. I started out attending the Cru. leadership retreat where we put our heads together on how to improve the state of the campus. Then on my way home, and we were still an hour and a half away and I asked my Dad if he could just take me straight out to Crossroads, my old church camp, to visit with old friends (counsolers and campers).

It didn't stop there though because I showed up, said hi, didn't really feel alright being there and then one of my friends asked me to stay for a little while, and I said ok, and had my Dad go on and I'd call him when I was done. So I called him later that night asking for a change of clothes, and I spent the night fully intending on leaving the next day. Then I felt God move, just so amazingly that when my Dad stopped by on Sunday, I just sent him off again, I was pretty much accepted as a counsoler again, even with missing the introductions and a few important parts.

My realizations are as fallows:

1) Retreat beds are uncomfortable if you keep changing beds almost every night.

2) God is amazing

3) Christians are the best at letting their emotions free when arround each other

4) Church camp food is still the best

5) Hickory Ridge Camp is exactly 1 hour and 45 min. away from Crossroads Church Camp

6) God put me in the most incredible community of believers to help me to grow and mature

7) I have the most understanding parents and friends that I could have to be myself in

8) Being in communion with God on a daily basis is not impossible

9) I know the words and music to way too many songs not to praise God with acting them out

10) 2 Corinthians 5:13 is my favorite bible verse: "If we are out of our right minds it is for God; If we are in our right minds it is for you."

There ya go, J-Freak OUT

Who am I?

Alright here I go again, but before I do I would like to make a little side-note. I am not a writer, I am not a poet, and I most certainly not a musician or person of any influence in this society. Why do I write these things then? I doubt anybody really reads these things anymore anyways. I write them to give the world something it most desperately needs more than anything, honesty. Along with this honesty comes the person behind it. I am flat-out a Christian, but don't give up on me with those words. I am also human, meaning I mess up. I make just as many or more mistakes in my life as anyone else. I am not qualified to be writing these, yet still I do. Why? Because I can't stop thinking that this is my ticket to show the world what kind of person even a screw-up like me can be. Side note over...

Now into what I really want to talk about, Death. Now noone knows for sure what happens after death, yet there are theries out there in the millions, if not billions of twists that people have about what happens, including three answers that are most common, reincarnation, heaven and hell, or nothing. These three things break off into many subdivisions in themselves, but I am not here to analize or tell you which one to choose, actually I am not even here to tell you to choose any. I just want to tell people what I think to the people I love, respect, and care about the most. About what I think people should do after I die.

I am a Christian so yeah, I believe in the entire Heaven and Hell thing. I have the faith to believe that I am going to heaven, then again, everyone thinks that they're good enough to go to heaven. But it is not this being good enough that gewts you there anyways. I already said I'm a screw-up, and I have no chance on getting to heaven on my own. It's only because I believe Jesus already paid my toll on the cross to get me to heaven and all I have to do is the simplist thing, believe and repent, Oh and one more thing, move on. Moving on meaning keeping my compassion and sights set on my final goal, Heaven, and what is in heaven that I want to go for? God and to thank my Lord and savior Jesus.

So those are my beliefs, but now for the world's part. If you know me at all you know I am unconventional, and sporatic. I can be a wild man one minute and a teddy bear the next. I am crazy but in a unique way. So I wanna go out in that same fashion.

My belief is that everyone has it in them to live a carefree lifestyle like me if they wanted, and all it takes is letting go of what you want people to think of you, and just being. I know I have gotten stared at and ridiculed by almost everyone I have ever met, but I don't blame those people at all, I am wierd at times. Actually it has made me refine that crazyness into something that can be controlled at will and turned off if the situation calls for it.

What I want to happen is from the time I die to my funeral, and yes I do want to be buried, is I don't want anyone to cry for me. I don't want people to mourn my loss, or their loss for losing me. I want people to have a party arround my casket before I die, and to look at me as they celebrate my going to be with God and those who have gone before. This may sound sad, morbid and cruel and that is why I do not want anyone to dress up for this funeral party, just to come as they are (fully clothed though of course).

I have thought long and hard about this, and I only write it here because I know it will be here forever. I know where I'm going when I die and I wanted you all to know too, because weather you know me well or not, I care about you. By the way, do you know where you're going? I hope so, no matter what you believe in I hope you have some idea.

-J-Freak OUT!

Currently Listening Undone By MercyMe Homesick see related

Genuine M(e)usic

Have you ever thought about music? I mean REALLY think about songs. Have you ever found a song that's like "That gets me" or "I feel the exact same way" or even "This music is exactly what I need" (weather it be a call for you to change or just to brighten your mood)? My real question is who hasn't?

Life is an amazing journey and for all of us we feel as if we could make a soundtrack of our lives, every outstading emotion, every fact of life or ideal, and even what we hope for one day or want out of life the most. I came to this realization just about an hour ago and have let my mind think while my slow dial-up connection tried to keep up with my thoughts of genious. The WORLD loves music, and not only likes to share that love, but share every other emotion through it.

I feel as if I try too hard to be a musician, that I never take time to be a music critic. Don't get me wrong, I still have songs that I love and hate, but that doesn't mean it doesn't mean something totally different and create a feeling of purpose or intamacy for others. I don't hold back what I have said though about certain songs, I am not here though to bash songs of this year or of my lifetime, or even before my time.

The classics are a highly interesting topics to me, the feeling and emotion they must have had that they were still trying to come up with words to fit. Language has expanded and compacted over time to make certain pop-culture phrases come into common speech. This practice still continues today, especially with the word Crunk coming up. Other hidden words have come up too that I am still debating weather they are good words to use, but that's another talk for another day.

Life keeps moving and so does the music, even when we all want it to slow down or stop, it keeps moving us and spurring us to move on. This moving causes change in our mindset and even changes the course of our lives. We want to dwell on the past? Yeah right, the past is gone and the new day comes where we have all new quesions and find all new answers to them in our own ways.

Music's influence on my own life is the reason I am still typing this where if it were any other topic I would have stopped typing five or six sentences ago. Bands like Audio Adrenaline, DC Talk, Matchbox 20, Sugar Ray, even the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys have all effected my life tremendously. More recently though I have found it being the Emo, the Hip-Hop, the Pop, the Rock, and the Hard Rock genres to be not only appealing, but focus-changing. Bands like Gym Class Heroes, Plain White T's, Emery, Blindside, Thousand Foot Krutch, Timbaland and his whole crew of artists he revitalized, Switchfoot, and the biggest influence to me, Anberlin.

I started my own musical journey and thought process just like everyone else, curiosity on what I had to do to survive, and looking for advice on what there was to be said on any and all topics that involved me. I found my solice in Christ long ago, and started looking for that direction. It wasn't until my sophomore year of high school where I finally tapped into the genious. I knew the 90s and all there was to know about old-school, the mullett, boy-bands, and bowl cuts, but it was then that I found myself being the music and living the music. I found myself humming a few bars on the way to class that reminded me of my current situation and I still do that at times when I see relation to my life or words spoken in a song.

Many of you might be the same way. This is my expression, my ode to the life that is all of ours on this earth that is shaped by what we believe and how we act upon that belief. Spurr it on, keep the passion and the fire blazing. It's a dangerous thing if you don't, because I can assure you I will keep my passion burninguntil I reach my perfect world, and my perfect world isn't yours, and I don't know it yet but it isn't even mine. I want to be the singer, the front-man of a band when in fact, I have mediocre talent and the looks for a headshot, only to be sent to a backup role or a radio chair, but that doesn't mean I'll stop, and I'm looking foreward to those who think they can stop me, because in that, I will find my true gift, my true motivation. I will find my song that explains my life, and add it to my collection of songs that are on my soundtrack.

Be ready for it, your urge and push to change something about yourself that might one day change history.

J-Freak out.

Currently Listening Lost Songs By Anberlin Dismantle. Repair. (Acoustic) see related